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The sun will come out

A down, and then up, emotional week for me. It started a bit rough, but then I think went really positive the rest of the week.

I had a rough day on Tuesday. It's normally a pretty happy day for me because I spend time in voice coaching and that is simply one of my favourite hours in the week now. This past Tuesday was a little different, but not because of the voice work.

I was thinking about my work environment and getting set up to come out more publicly in January when it occurred to me that doing that might entail having the family conversation, at least the immediate family, in December. I want to make sure that they are fully aware before my work is.

In and of itself, this is all logical until my mind got onto the notion that telling them in December might lead to someone feeling like Christmas had been ruined. What shattered my heart in that moment was really the idea that someone may feel that way because I am trans. So, while this feeling may be unfair in the sense that I do need to give someone the chance, the fear is very real for all trans people coming out and I cannot just dismiss it arising in me.

It has been a long time since I've had a moment of wracking sobs, I'll be honest, but I needed to really let go of the notion that I cannot embrace the emotional release of a good cry. I can, and I did. There is a pressure that is near unbearable when leading a dual life and I am truly struggling to maintain it as time passes.

However, what started as an emotionally draining week, quickly picked up positively. 

First, I had a Doctor's appointment and I had been worried from our last session because my potassium and prolactin levels were up and that could be a sign of some kidney challenges. Given that my hormones are pill form, at this time, a factor for concern. Yet, the Doctor told me that all results were excellent and that my testosterone levels were at the floor and my estradiol levels were well inside the target range. What a huge pick me up! So, new prescription in hand and it seems, as it were, that I'll just have to get used to a semi-frequent jab in the arm to draw blood. It's a small price to pay.

Second boost was that I spent a couple of hours on Zoom with my sister talking about earlier this week and how to plan for the family discussion. I really need to catch up with her more often, truly, and get over the notion that I am a bother. In any event, my sister was very much in support of having the family discussions in December and so, all set to do that next week. I'm both excited and nervous at the same time, but as I said to my sister, any waiting is really just dodging the discussion, as there's no turning back. So, also a pick me up, but with a little frisson to go with it. The only bummer is that it will be by Zoom, not in person. Not much I can do about that, that seems to be life for the foreseeable future.

For a final note, I wanted to put up this little image from Twitter. It's quite poignant, I think, and one that oh so many of us can relate to. It definitely caught me in the feels.




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