As I was thinking about it this morning, it seems as though it has dropped in prominence in my emotional past and that got me doing a little self-examination. I think a real significant part of it is that so much has happened in the years since that the time before it has started to feel dreamlike.
Honestly, I struggle to remember what it was like masquerading as a man in the world. My dreams and my memories seem to be substituting into the past and adjusting how I perceive it. Our minds can do wonderous and powerful things on our behalf and mine seems to be doing that a lot.
I've noticed it in other ways recently. For example, I've been involved in supporting the workplace transition of many people over this time and I can't, for the life of me, remember their deadnames. I don't want to, but there was an Threads discussion about younger trans folx asking and it occured to me that my brain had simply decided to sweep away that history as no longer relevant.
Another is just within my personal interests, notably dance. I've always appreciated, and quite enjoyed, things like ice dancing and ballet, but it was like I had repressed that over the years until recently. Now, I am very engaged in ballet, having started the next level of adult training (and whew, it's a workout!), and it made me realize something. It made me realize how much of my own self I had shuttered away.
When I came out I posted, "I am not going to tell you that I will not change, because I will seem to be doing so from the perspective of many of you. But understand that what I am really doing is finally letting you know the real me."
It's very true, but I what I didn't expect is that it would also apply to me.
So, three years and a lifetime ago, I am here. I am whole. I am happy. 💜
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