Skip to main content

Why now?

 

I am 52 years old and a question that arises with respect to my transition is: why now?

Yeah, why now? That is a really good question. I think there are a lot of reasons that people transition and, equally true, lots of reasons that they don't. I think the choices we make in this respect are as equally valid, and as important, as the choices that others make and vice versa. We all walk our own paths.

So, speaking entirely, and only, for me, I made the choice to start my transition at my age for one reason: happiness. Happiness is also a funny term, it means different things to different people as well. So, let me frame that a bit.

I have been quite fortunate in my life. I grew up in difficult financial circumstances, but had a supportive and loving family. I got through post-secondary with the help of a lot of student loans and grants, landed a really good job in software engineering, and paid my student debts in less that five years. Dotcom didn't make me rich, but it certainly helped put me on my feet solidly. I am, by any measure, financially successful today.

More importantly, I truly have a great partner in life. She has been an enormous supporter of me and my journey and I am forever grateful for her love and understanding. My sister has also been an amazing supporter of me, as have several of my really close friends. I am surrounded by love and support, that is incalculable.

So, everything around me says happiness and, yes, from a surface view, I was. 

The happiness that was really missing was the one inside of me. That deep, personal, sense that I was who and where I wanted to be and that I was happy with that. That was entirely missing and so I substituted that lack with alcohol. Oh yeah, it's not real, we all know that, but the void was filled and it got me through another night. It was also killing me.

I was starting to gain weight in places I didn't want to be gaining. I was entirely sedentary, disinterested in the things that would make me healthier. I was literally pushing myself to an early grave through massive indifference because what was inside of me was simply not happy.

We all hope, maybe secretly, for that moment that turns us around and I had that moment when I met my friend for lunch and she told me about her transition. Understand that there is a light in people eyes when you see that inner sense of happiness come through, despite all the other adversities that they may face. She had that and that struck me, intensely.

I've written a bit about my discussions with my therapist, but I think the moment I took that first pill was the moment where the light inside me really started to recover. The realization that I had broken down the barriers that I, alone, had erected to my happiness really freed me.

I haven't quit having a drink or two, but where I was five or six a night, I am mostly one and sometimes two. This has been true since early July, and even that is going down. I'm not so foolish as to quit cold turkey and, I will admit, I do enjoy a gin & tonic. However, now, it has become a treat. I have gone to bed sober every night since July 6th and that delights me.

I have also changed my diet, started eating substantially more healthily, with a massive reduction of meat in my diet, especially red meat. I exercise, though I pulled a rib muscle the other day and it's hampering my routine a lot, and have seen great results reversing the tummy (lost more than an inch already) and I just feel better all around.

So, happiness is why now. Just simple, personal, and deep happiness. It's a powerful reason.

Comments