Halloween feels very different to me this year and it's not because the pandemic has curtailed much of the celebration of it. No, it's way deeper than that.
For much of my life, what really made Halloween special was that it represented the one day of the year where I could really express femininity in public without feeling like eyes were upon me. For many of us trans folks, this has been an outlet day and I think that has made such a special time for so many, myself included.
Fast forward to 2020, and the backdrop of the pandemic has influence, but what has changed for me is that I am almost four months in to my transition and I don't feel like I need to express my femininity in the same way. I do it already, in many small ways, that it's ceased to be a "thing to do" for me.
I think where my sense of self is arriving is that the core elements of my personal style are not really something that is likely to change. I've always been a casual, comfort oriented, person in my style and I don't see that as something I need to change. It will definitely get more feminine as time goes by, and certainly more cute as I like cute things, but it won't likely be all that different from where I have been much of my life. The speed at which this will happen will depend on how my body is changing, but it's a stroll along a comforting path, not a race along a track.
So, one of my plans for today is a closet clean out. There are a lot of clothes, relics of a past, that I know are not going to be a part of my wardrobe in the very near future. I will relegate them to the basement until I can figure out how, and where, to donate much of them. However, I want to move them out and make space for my growth and development now.
It seems so fitting that, on Halloween, I can finally start to dispose of the costumes I have worn for so many years.
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