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Accidental big steps

A beautiful mutual on Twitter tweeted yesterday that she keeps taking accidental big steps and it made me realize that this is true of myself as well. Turns out, for me, that it's more than okay.

When I started this journey back in the Spring, I knew very quickly that I would begin my active transition in 2020. Dysphoria was, after all, a constant companion of mine for many decades and the decision I made to turn and face it all but assured me that this was the year.

So, as I began to plan the timeline of milestones in my journey, I had a lot of the coming out plans in the first few months of 2021. There was a few reasons for that, at the time, but mostly I just assumed that the journey would be stealth for at least half a year. However, if you have read enough of my blog, you're well aware that this plan did not last.

I'll be honest, I'm super happy that it did not last. I underestimated just how powerful the change in my happiness would be this Fall. I just assumed that I would feel mostly the same, perhaps with dysphoria feeling a little less intense, but you know, still the same old me. Yeah, that was naive. As events at home and at work served to rewire my thinking on my milestones, I just moved with it.

The thing is, once you start having these conversations, the message will start to get ahead of you. There could be lots of reasons for that, some entirely accidental. For example, I was very surprised to get a sudden follow from a friend, and past coworker, on Instagram. Turns out, I was suggested to her by the algorithm and she got curious. She congratulated me and we had a great chat. I never intended that, but still super positive, and I am happy she has gotten to see the real me that much sooner.

I've mentioned this before, but I think at the heart of it all, these past months have been amongst the happiest of my life. Inside I am bursting and all I want to do is share how I feel with the world around me. I call it gender euphoria and I am soaking it in as a buffer against the times when the seas will be rougher. More importantly, as we enter the holidays and into the new year, I do that knowing that I have the love, care, and support of my immediately family and the company that I work for. 

Accidental big steps? Sort of, but I am very glad they happened nonetheless.


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