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I hate existing between two worlds

I seem to be in this grey zone where I am poised to make public my gender, yet it feels far away, and so much keeps coming up, in front of me, that makes me want to shout it out.

So, some discussions are planned. In fact, a significant one this coming Thursday. I hate that it's going to be via Zoom, but I am grateful that we have the technology today to have Zoom and that I can make visual contact. In any event, I plan to let a very large portion of my immediate family know what is happening. I'm a little scared, but mostly excited. It's time.

One benefit of the pandemic is that I have been able to manage my early days of transition without anyone being aware (or I presume that's the case), but I am reaching a point where I will need to consider things like bras for support. So, at some point, whether I am ready or not, the discussions will happen. I am, after all, not even remotely considering reversing course.

However, where I am really feeling it in a more personal sense is that it feels like every time I turn around that I must edit out my personal joy and journey from the discussion. Today, for example, we had an all hands and I am a dotted-line member of that VP's leadership team, as I am leading all of the tech organization that supports him, and during that year end celebration he asked each of us on the leadership team to talk about how 2020 went for us. Argh! The most important, most profound, event for me in 2020 and I couldn't talk about it. Oh how I wanted to, but instead I talked about eating better, getting fit, etc. It left me wanting to cry.

Next week we have a virtual offsite across three afternoons. To get to know each other better, as an ice breaker, we've been asked to do a "life on a slide" and then share it with the team. However, is it even possible for any of them to actually get to know me right now? Do I drop this into a slide?

If you want to get to know me, then nothing like having "I love Estradiol" on the slide to spark a conversation. Will I do it? Probably not. Damn it. I guess I should take comfort in that it is, really, not that long now.

I hate existing between two worlds.




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