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About Bikinis and Other Things

Just about a week and a half away from GCS and now I am just marking time, but some curious observations along the way...

So, more than a few people asked my what I was looking forward to after I recovered. It's quite the curious question in some ways, because you're immediately thinking, in what way? Turns out, though, that I have an answer to that: bikinis.

There's a reason for this! Last summer, my sisters and I went to the spa for the day. I did wear a bikini, to be fair, but it was skirted and I had to change in a little room. Nobody in the room ever gave me a second look or questioned why I was there, not a single moment did I ever feel like I didn't belong, and yet I had a brief moment of shame over a facet of my birth that I had no control over. That meant I had to hide.

I hate hiding. I was in hiding for more than fifty years and I am so very tired of hiding. That's what the bikini symbolizes for me: no more hiding. That was surprisingly powerful. So, yeah, I am looking forward to just buying a regular bikini. Also, for the record, the day at the spa with my sisters was amazing and special, I am so looking forward to doing that again.

Along with this, it's been a week and a half since I stopped HRT. It's been a pretty short time, so I don't expect like a spin, but I have noticed a few withdrawal symptoms for me. The first is that I am more tired all the time, I find myself feeling drained of energy pretty quickly. I guess the plus to that is that I am snuggling with my cat a lot more! She's a very snuggly cat and I need to store the kitty love as she will be staying with my Ex for 8 weeks during my recovery. 

The second symptom is this little ache in my head. Not a strong one, just a persistent dull ache above my eyes. It's almost like my brain is complaining about getting the wrong hormones again. I recently likened the feeling of hormones on the brain as spending much of my life with a rock in my shoe and when I got the right ones going, it was like I got rid of the rock. Now my brain is complaining at me for putting the rock back in!

Anyways, I wish these clinics would catch up to the WPATH SOC on this. I don't think stopping HRT before surgery is helpful for placing patients in to a good state of mind and that's a shame. 

Anyways, almost there! 

Finally, in a chat yesterday and I commented that I have shut down a lot of external news from around the world. I said that I was finding myself in a state of anger that I had no release for, it was helpless anger. Helpless anger is so harmful to the self because it feels like failure even when you had no chance for success. I think, when I have recovered, I am going to stay focused on my little space in the Universe and effect change here. It's not that I won't support causes far away from me, but it's time to stop traumatizing myself because I can help nobody in that condition.

Comments

  1. I understand the stopping HRT is to do with bloud clotting, but trust me the outcome is worth the short ordeal. For me although I had to come off the HRT I was still on T blockers so went into menopause!
    I found that one of the unexpected benifits of HRT was that I was no longer angry all the time, so maybe that's another effect of the T making its unwelcomecreturn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The risk was based on the old Premarin-based HRT, it's not known to be a risk with Estradiol. The new WPATH standard also noted that there is no evidence for risk, so stopping it is not helpful anymore.

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